Light a candle at 7pm on Oct 15, 2015, for at least an hour.
Contribute to the “wave of light” around the world.
(Photo by José Manuel Ríos Valiente)
On October 15th, the national day given for Pregnancy Infant Loss Remembrance, I want to talk about a pregnancy that was once considered to be the nightmare of my life. Later, I realized the blessing in disguise.
Pregnancy, for both men and women, is usually a hard thing to deal with, keeping in mind the age at the time of pregnancy, financial support, and loss of most of one’s freedom. Usually, men are extremely nervous when finding out their partners are pregnant, and in the case of many women, there is a constant flow of emotions.
Women’s emotions at this stage usually range: from joy to nervousness to being in a depressed state. Women dealing with ambivalence about pregnancy might carry the baby to build a connection with it before giving it up for adoption, while other women take the route of ending the pregnancy altogether. In both instances, the mother ends up losing a child and may begin a long process of coping with grief.
My “Life Story”
I was the woman who took the route of ending my pregnancy, although I waited three and a half months. I must say that it was obviously one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. While pregnant for three months, I hid the secret from my parents, because I knew that they would be extremely disappointed in me. It was only my second year in college at the time.
I had no real support, and felt alone every step of the pregnancy, which is why I decided to finally go through with ending the pregnancy. Now looking back at the entire situation, I honestly wish that I could have changed the situation and kept my child. By carrying the child for three and a half months, I became so attached that I actually named it before making the decision.
I felt empty, as though I was a bad person who took the life of an innocent human being. But as time went on, my life story changed. I had women in my life with whom I was extremely close. They began to share their own infant life stories with me. My best friend of ten years had a miscarriage about a year previous, and she was one of the only people I could talk to, who understood the pain of mourning the loss.
I also learned of other stories. Many of my other close friends had ended pregnancies, or had pregnancies end, during their college years, and they shared their infant loss stories with me as well. I began to notice a pattern that ultimately proved to me that many young women who are pregnant during their college years are more prone to either having a miscarriage, due to stress of school and work, or ending the pregnancy due to stress of what family and friends may think. But when I look back, I can say that the opinions that may have been formed by my peers and family was not worth losing a child, losing my child, who would currently be three years of age.
Mourning, Yet Praising
In my spirit, I know that I would have a baby boy whose name would have been Syncere Noah. I came up with his first name the moment I found out I was with child. I decided on that first name because I had “sinned” in a sincere manner. He would have been the most sincere gift in my life, and because of him, I turned memorial ideas into future and career ideas.
All my life, I have wanted to have my own clothing line and lipstick cosmetic line, but I had never found a good enough name to stick by. However, after mourning for the loss of my child, I finally decided on the name that I would use for both my clothing and cosmetic lines.
That name will be “SYN,” for my lost child, who has ultimately given me the power and motivation to stay strong throughout the years. Using his name for this purpose is his baby memorial, and it will always remind me that no matter what happens in life, nothing can stop me; it can only keep pushing me towards better.
I would like my story of loss, and of strength given to me by that loss, to be a story that every woman and man reading this right now takes with them throughout every day that they deal with losing a child, whatever the reason.
Everlasting Footprint gives you space to share, preserve, and honor, everyone.